Breaking Up

(Online Dating News Blog) Dr. James Houran, who publishes the weekly Office Hours with Dr. Jim column has answered a reader question from someone who keeps breaking up and getting back together with their partner.  Here is an excerpt of Dr. Jim’s advice:

“…If break-ups happen because a couple can’t successfully resolve expectations and reach mutually accepted understandings, then on and off cycles are a huge red flag. If break-ups happen because one or both individuals in a relationship fly off the handle at the first sign of conflict or disagreement, then on and off cycles again are a wake up call. On the other hand, a couple could also experience on and off cycles due to intimacy issues that can be resolved with some openness and truthfulness…”

Click here to read the entire article.

And here are some more advice articles on breaking up:

Breaking Up and Resentment
Dealing with a Break Up and Relationship Closure
Dealing with Break Up Pain
How do I Break Up for Good?

Related Articles:

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  1. As a previous serial dater, and now the owner of an online dating site, I’ve seen plenty–and more than my share of on again off again relationships (which for me meant volatile relationships). In my experience, these type of relationships were about the women I was dating (and, sure, their relationship with me–because it takes two to tango). As I got older, and hopefully wiser, I started taking a better look at who I should date (as opposed to who, possibly, I thought I ‘wanted’ to date). There’s a big difference. Many of the women I went after were women who wanted a certain bit of drama in their lives, because if I reacted to the drama, that meant I cared. But for me that was the wrong type of relationship. I’m now in a great relationship with a great person–and truth be told, she’s a little different than the people I used to date. In a word, she’s better. Better for me, anyway, which is what counts. No more rollercoaster rides. And for me, that’s happiness.

  2. With regards to the last comment, I have to say I understand exactly where you are coming from. Why is it that some women feel the need to hurt and cause pain so as to ‘force’ their partner to show how much he cares. I always felt that I wanted a sensitive, gentle woman, but they are the ones in my experience who seem to crave the destructive attention I have just mentioned. I am stil in the market and looking for a stronger and ‘better’ woman. Thanks for a great post and subsequent comment.

  3. With respect to the above posts, I believe insecurity is hardwired into every women to some degree or other. Thus the women at the more insecure end of the scale ‘feel’ (emotionally speaking) that they need to test a guy in order to prove to themselves that he values them.

    As guys we need to really step back from this to understand whats going on. For us, the simple application of what we see, hear and make logical sense of communicates to us whether or not someone likes us. However, women simply aren’t wired to think that way – particularly the very insecure ones.

    Women ‘feel things emotionally’, accept that feeling as reality and then try to back-rationalise their emotional state with a type of fuzzy logic. You’ll recognise it during an argument with a woman because she’ll dig her heels in over something she ‘feels’ and then make some crap up to supposedly support it. You can tell she believes the ‘crap’ from her facial expression, voice tonality and body language – although as a guy you know (logically speaking) her argument simply doesn’t make sense.

    Next on the list we have external validation… and many women are addicted to it. What I mean here is that male attention gives them a sense of value, regardless of its nature. For example, you only need to look at how ‘some women’ will flirt with guys and then blow them out shortly afterwards. That’s because once they’ve received his validation (they know he likes/fancies them) they no longer have any use for him… quickly moving onto the validation fix they crave from the next guy. The fixes are short lived and never enough to satisfy the craving. Then women wonder why men become wary of approaching them. I guess we just get wise to being messed about by the more shallow females in society and brand all women that way.

    So overall it seems there’s a case of insecure women preying on guys to compensate for it. In a perverse way it seems such women actually make their own insecurities a guys problem, rather than addressing them herself.


  4. I agree with the article. There are times when an on and off relationship can be fixed with some form of therapy, but only if it doesn’t have to do with huge personality conflicts and is more about intimacy issues.

  5. I disagree with you all. Any on again off again relationship should be put to an end ASAP. It is an obvious sign of instability and will not lead to a productive relationship in the end. What it will lead to is people wasting there time with the wrong person. They could put the past away and move forward to meet the right person. That’s my 2 cents.

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